girl. legal. internet addict. Ravenclaw. i queue my posts, i am not online 24/7. and if i am i'll never admit it! if i unfollow you, it was an accident please inform me so i can re-follow.
online
I’m actually concerned for boys who complain about how different girls look without makeup. Like did you think eyeshadow permanently alters a girls eyelid? Are you frightened when people change clothes
harry potter starts a youtube channel and all of his videos are called like:
“STORY TIME: I WAS A TEENAGE CHOSEN ONE”
“BABYSITTING MY FRIEND’S WEIRD DEAD HORSE (INVISIBLE)”
“THERE ARE DARK WIZARDS TRYING TO KILL ME BUT ONLY THREE PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT MY HOUSE”
would like to add to this post and say that harry is uploading these videos to standard muggle youtube. people see this kind of scruffy, obviously Fucked Up kid rambling nonsense into his deskptop camera and just think he is really really good at shitposting
Harry, *filming himself with one hand, throwing raw meat at a seemingly empty space with the other*: “So anyways, you guys probably can’t see him through the camera lens but this weird fuck belongs to my best friend Luna who can’t actually take care of him right now because she’s out riding drag- er, um she’s on vacation in Romania so I have to do it. Um, the only reason I can see him is because I watched my close friend get murdered by an evil wizard when I was fourteen which, by the way, was around the same time I started to think I might be gay. Anyone else?”
Teens on tumblr who have no idea he’s being completely serious: “This is the only man alive who truly Gets me.”
Hermione finds out about his channel because someone she went to primary school with posts it to Facebook and then she marathons his entire channel overnight to make sure he’s not going to get arrested for breaking the statute of secrecy
Hot Take: they can’t arrest him for jackshit because Hermione shows them Muggle memes and demonstrates that the Youtube audience legitimately has no reason to believe he’s anything but an elaborate shitposter.
Slughorn:let me tell you the story of the kid who survived and killed the dark lord who was in this exact class where i teach him the most important part of potions
So, I know how much everybody loves pretend-dating/pretend-marriage fics, but have you considered ‘pretend NOT to be dating/married’ AUs?
For example:
My friend is so determined to fix me up with somebody better than my string of casual coffee date/hookup partners that I didn’t have the heart to tell her, after she set us up for a blind date, that I actually met you six months ago
We’re both professors in the same department and it enhances your reputation with the students as a mysterious enigma and my reputation as a stone-cold terror if we pretend to hate each other, plus when we back each other up in departmental meetings everybody’s so surprised they give in right away
My parents thought I was working for an insurance company in New York when really I was joining the CIA so I just sort of never mentioned when I met you on an assassination-gone-wrong and now we’ve been married for five years and they still don’t know you exist, this has gotten wildly out of hand and you won’t stop laughing about it
All your coworkers know you’re married to a cop but now I’m undercover investigating a string of bank heists and it turns out that your only friend at your shitty new job is dating the head bank robber.
We’ve been communicating entirely by email/phone/carrier pigeon/paid messenger for the past year as we work to bring some peace and order to this troubled land, so when I walked into the negotiation room to sit down with the fearsome and terrible politician/businessperson/famed warrior that all my people are so afraid of, I didn’t really expect it to be you.
I didn’t think my parents could accept me dating somebody of your gender/race/religion/species, so we’ve been keeping it quiet, but now my mom can’t stop talking about her friend’s next-door neighbor and how perfect they’d be for me and you’ve got some nosy neighbor trying to set you up with their coworker’s kid and how do we tell them we’re engaged without making them think it’s because of their completely uninvited meddling?
You’ve got to pretend-date your best friend for a couple of weeks because reasons, and somehow that means we’re passing ourselves off as siblings to explain why we live together but we’ve started giving each other really filthy pre-sex looks behind everyone’s back like a game of chicken and pretty soon somebody is going to start to have serious concerns about our siblinghood.
Pretending-not-to-be-dating AUs: add yours today!
@blackkatmagic
These made me think of your Madatobi & kakaobi fics ♡
honestly? hannibal’s time management skills are incredible. somehow he has time to go to medical school twice, keep an active psychiatry practice, cook michelin-worthy five course meals every single day, have an active social life, go to the opera, maintain multiple properties, brainwash a hostage and keep her in a basement for three years, consult for the fbi, feed will’s dogs, frame will for murder, sleep, commit unique and artistic murders without leaving any evidence, and make cannibal puns. i don’t want to hear about how someone shoving a someone else into a horse is unrealistic. how does the fuck does hannibal do it. what’s his secret.
my friend and i were on arts and craft shop to buy supplies and there were shelves of empty boxes that has different shapes and sizes and we were fooling around and reenacting harry getting his first wand and i was playing ollivander and keep pulling out elongated slim boxes and pretending they have wands inside and then there were boxes that are handwoven dried leaves so naturally i went what if these
must be the wand boxes if you’re an asian wizard getting their first wand and i opened it aND WE RELEASED A REALLY LOUD GASP BC THERE WAS A
WAND INSIDE AND FOR A MOMENT THAT REALLY FELT MAGICAL AND TOTALLY AWESOME UNTIL WE REALIZED IT’S A WOODEN CALLIGRAPHY PEN
you too would have thought these are wands if you pull them out slowly out of the box while not seeing the nib
Today you‘ve heard someone mention soulmate-flowers in a song. Confused you turn to your soulmate, asking what that means. They look at you worried and a bit dumbfounded. „The flowers you start to see, when you are around your soulmate“, they explain slowly. You have never ever seen these flowers as far as you can remember.
when the door is just a prop on set and doesn’t slam enough ;(
